On Lies and Lies, by RR

When I was young, I lied a lot. To my mom, my dad, my teacher, my sister, my younger brother, my friends at school, the uncle in my provision shop... u name 'em, i got 'em. And got 'em good. I dunno why i did it, but i think telling lies was much more fun than telling the truth. Mind u, it's no mean feat to tell a good lie. You had to make it sound plausible enough to sound true, not too fantastic to be real, and as irrefutable a fact as the sun rising from the east. Trust me, it's easy. Or hard, depending on what kind of liar you were. In this world, there are only three kinds of people. The liars, the suckers, and the liars who suck. The liars who're good, however, are actually the invisible fourth group. They're as sneaky as a team of black belt ninja assassins who're so good, you won't even notice you're dead until you trip over your own head and go, "What the...???!! Bbbbbbsshhzzzzzh." (That’s how blood gushing from a jugular sounds, moron.)

Me? I was the best. I still am. (Kidding.) (Or maybe I really am... not) (Nah, I'm so over it; why else will I be sharing my trade secrets? It's taboo in this line, ya know. Like magicians never, NEVER tell their secret? That's us, the liars. We gotta protect what's ours by practise; how else are we gonna make a living out of you suckers? Of course, if you believe anything I say, I’m lying. (Can't tell, can you? Darn I'm good.)

The best lie is either the exact truth that's so horrific that nobody believes it's the truth. Or a lie that has just that right ratio of truth to fiction, with a good dose of speculation and common-sensical sounding stuff mixed in. At these times, be as honest as possibly. As in, "I AM (not) telling the truth, honest!" [Note: Mentally add "not", but be careful that it doesn't sound out as an obvious pause in the sentence. Practise it, you'll get it. The way I do it is, stress on AM and HONEST. That gives u a split second to mind-mouth NOT and distracts the sucker with that honest.]

This method is perfect especially when you're trying to get out a great big whopper of a lie. That the sun rises from the west, for instance. Make as bold a statement as possible, as if nothing in the world could ever refute that fact. Like, duh, everyone knows the sun rises from the west! What are u, stupid? Dumbo... Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh, NYEH. Then stick out your tongue and run off looking as smug as if you've just been made vice-head prefect of the whole school.

The next best way is what I like to call, the 'double or nothing' method. Personally, this is one of my favourites; it's like a game I tried to play at least once everyday. This is how you do it. First, prepare two lies; Lie One has to be a lousy lie, and Lie Two has to be a good lie. While telling Lie one, the flawed lie, you lie. And lie badly. When you’re caught, as you will be if you know how to lie badly goodly, sigh and present the truth, which is not. Get it? Must I spell it out to you? Alright, it’s Lie T-W-O two, your flawless lie. That light of recognition always makes me happy.

Now get out of here, you liar.