reflections

until a week ago, i was suicidally depressed. i was looking at the world with eyes that felt gritty and dry, finding faults in the littlest thing, belittling most of all myself. i looked at the river and saw trash; looked at the floor and saw the gutter. my nose wrinkled at offensive odours in the air, which were present everywhere. everything felt odious to me, and i was retreating into a world of my own, where only pain and suffering and emotions swirled into a never ending whirlpool, sucking me deeper and deeper into the depths of self pitying melancholy. i knew i was going off the edge but there was nothing i could do to help myself.

and then i fell in love.

all of a sudden, i came alive. it was as if i've been going around with my eyes wide shut; i saw but didn't see, knew but didn't know.I've been told so many times; i heard, but didn't listen. "Don't assume; assumption is the mother of all f**k ups!" said my boss @ Nick. "But, but.. i thought..." "You thought, you think, who confirm?!!" yelled my English teacher. Apparently i'm of the thick skinned variety who, like the proverbial elephant, needs a switch bigger than a banana tree trunk.

Apparently, too, i'm a member of that particular strain of the human species, who can't live with people, can't live without people, can't die unless it's around people, and will die if around too many people.

Don't blame me for being messed up.

And now, I'm going to rub my eyes, pinch my cheeks, take a deep breath, and go out with my head up high.

Because I'm not alone in this world, and I never was. I just forgot it. God really works in mysterious ways; let me be one of his thicker suspense novels, the kind u absolutely can't put down and breathlessly devour until you come to the unexpected twist in the ending, then gasp and sigh and close with a smile of relief, and whose story stays forever in your mind.

The End.

(of course not, my life is a saga a la Robert Jordan, with sequels thick and seemingly neverending. Would that I wish it were so. Amen.)