imsosorrypleasedonthateme

i made u mad at me. im so sorry. please.
if only u knew how much it hurts when i don't hear from u.
it feels like death come early. melodramatic. but i have no way to say all these things to u. its so hard for us to communicate. we might as well be alien species from different planets. not only do i miss u, im beginning to think, i'll never see u again, ever. and that's real death. the death of anything possible ever happening between us i guess. not only u, i miss my friends, those who are not near to me, those who are scattered to the four winds, those who left, those who are leaving. so hard on the heart. how much feelings can a tortured piece of meat hold? enough for the universe apparently. and conversely, not even enough to show pity to the smallest ant. why else do i suffer so? and why else do i see others suffer? others who i care about and i feel so helpless and angry when i can't do anything for them.

u stupid, stupid girl. u are not god. u are not even in god's good graces. bad karma. just a phrase for how large chunks of my life seem to end up in.

im tired. so tired. as i write. my hands shake. dry eyes burn. strained neck muscles crying out in agony. and the extent of my physical distress is mirrored emotionally, socially, spiritually..

life is a series of living, loving, leaving and leaving.

i feel left.