updates

things i have been doing:-

*restringing and practising my guitar for an hour every other day. i want to take lessons again.

*eating preserved cactus. it's sweet and tastes like leaves dipped in honey.

*stayin over el's place playing scrabble with her sis til 630 am. i lost.

*quarrelling with my freelancer who wants to decrease my pay cos he said i didn't finish the job. wth, he's only paying me half market rate to start with and the mistake was just ONE missing title. though i couldn't fix it cos i had to go off for my day (nite) job.

*finishing my assignment for ascent media c/o discovery channel. which means i'm free til they call me up again or til i get another job. which means i can resume my social life.

*preparing to launch into the sick world of resume and job hunting once more.. right after i take my short break.

*reading cheesy chick lit in bed til two three am, with only the light from my handphone so as not to disturb my sis whom i share a room with. it will take me sometime to get used to doing nothing at nite, im so used to working once the sun goes down.

*shopping for bags and bras and shoes and clothes. and wishing i have a nice job that will let me wear nice clothes to show off. though i am now wary of spending since soon there will be no future paychecks coming until i get a job..

*missing somebody far away..

yep. all in all i am leading a full, if slightly purposeless, life.

convocation 2005

candid shot. i dunno, who took this photo n why?

check out the descending order.. who else on the bottom?

friends are people u meet by chance, but choose to hold on to through circumstance..

one of my favourite pix with my parents

took this much earlier than convo.. PJ's left for U.S. for good. From now on, the different paths we tread..

i didn't post a post about convo. i wanted to. but i never got around to it. i was both happy and sad that day. funny how the pictures show only the first part. i'm sorry i didn't take enough photos with my friends. if u have pictures with me, please send them? raudaa@gmail.com . i owe some of u pictures; i'll try get them to u soon.

i'm glad i had the priviledge to meet so many wonderful people who made uni life so much more interesting and bearable. to all my friends, thank you.. all the best in our careers and lives to come.. keep in touch.

girl with a pearl earring

looking

i like this picture.
somehow it speaks volumes to me. the girl. with her eyes.
in poetry class, we were made to pick a painting once and write about it.
i chose picasso. a woman depicted in two half faces. red and green.

here's the poem.

Poem inspired by a painting (Picasso)

Behind bars lies the juxtaposition
Of a jailed up person
Of thought, manner, sexuality.

In your confusion lies my betrayal
Like black steel wool rusting up the brain
I curtain your eyes

In the blue of the black
Sleeps a green, malevolent me
'Side the rosy, smiling she
that you see.

My long, perfectly manicured nails
Are but talons poised to gouge
Stupid unseeing eyes
While I poison with sweet lies


My kiss deep as death
Bewitch all souls into my hold
Mine to control

I die a quiet death
With no one the wiser
The evil me
Inside the good her
Now both, gone forever.

 

imsosorrypleasedonthateme

i made u mad at me. im so sorry. please.
if only u knew how much it hurts when i don't hear from u.
it feels like death come early. melodramatic. but i have no way to say all these things to u. its so hard for us to communicate. we might as well be alien species from different planets. not only do i miss u, im beginning to think, i'll never see u again, ever. and that's real death. the death of anything possible ever happening between us i guess. not only u, i miss my friends, those who are not near to me, those who are scattered to the four winds, those who left, those who are leaving. so hard on the heart. how much feelings can a tortured piece of meat hold? enough for the universe apparently. and conversely, not even enough to show pity to the smallest ant. why else do i suffer so? and why else do i see others suffer? others who i care about and i feel so helpless and angry when i can't do anything for them.

u stupid, stupid girl. u are not god. u are not even in god's good graces. bad karma. just a phrase for how large chunks of my life seem to end up in.

im tired. so tired. as i write. my hands shake. dry eyes burn. strained neck muscles crying out in agony. and the extent of my physical distress is mirrored emotionally, socially, spiritually..

life is a series of living, loving, leaving and leaving.

i feel left.