quixoticity

i'm just me.. n that's ok

Monday, February 27, 2006

shoulds

im awake
when i should be sleeping

im alert
when i should be resting

im thinking
when i should be silent

im silent
when i should be speaking

im looking
when i should be seeing

im hearing
when i should be listening

im feeling
when i should be doing

im afraid
when i should be brave

im risking
when i should be daring

im wondering
when i should be knowing,
why,
of all the should-s and shouldn't-s,
could i not have it all my way?

being a victim of my own,
should suck
yet somehow
because i choose to
i live my life of shoulds
regretting should nots
all the time wishing

i just could.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

aerospace.. whee!!

this morning, my colleague and i went for the aerospace show at changi exhibition centre. it was glorious to get the morning off from work to catch the show.. it was drizzling and humid but that didn't dampen our moods one bit.

dressed to the nines, (i was in pinstriped pants and long sleeve white shirt and purple curdoroy blazer; N was in all black - shirt, pants and blazer), we strode in just as the airshow was starting. we took one look at the snaking queue for visitor registration and on the spot decided to get ourselves in with media passes, which we really were, after all. i showed my staff pass, he handed over his name card and we asked to be let in. at first we were told that without pre-registering for the media pass we have to join the queue; straight away i put on an impatient face and declared that we were told we could get our media pass on the day itself. i insisted for them to create our passes then and there; faced with my wrath (muahahah) the ladies scrambled and got our particulars. 5 mins later our photographed MEDIA pass was ready and we were ushered into the exhibition proper.

basically, at first we were bored cos the airshow was ok but it was humid and there was a big crowd - idiots who paid fifty bucks a head to come in on a trade day (the show is only open to public on sat/sun). we went in, did a few rounds, looked out for freebies but didn't spot any, then headed out again to catch the second half of the airshow.

the second part was freaking awesome! F-16 stealth fighter soared and swooped and zoomed damn close above our heads. the jet was so fast, u actually see it passing first before the roar of the engine follows behind - as if u can see the sound of the jet a few metres behind it. "Visual and audio never sync la," quip N. lols.. ya it was exactly as if we're watching an edited show and the sound is late by a few frames. awesome.

looking around, N spotted an area where there were people seated on an upper level, eating and watching the show. we decided to try go up there if we could, so we went. with our media passes prominently displayed, we could go everywhere with impunity and nobody stopped us. going into the entrance, we just whacked and opened the first side door we saw. There was a a meeting going on but the guy hurriedly came over and offered his assistance. we asked the guy how to get up to the second level and he obligingly gave us directions. going ahead, we went up and into a whole nicely set up area, very restaurant like, with white tableclothed tables set for 10 and labelled bankers, analysts, etc. there was a whole big buffet spread, complete with delicious looking desserts. at first we only intended to sit outside but seeing the food, we unspokenly agreed to just go for it...

so we put down our bags, and loaded up our plates with gourmet food like eggplant gratin, seafood with big fat scallops, lemongrass chicken, sweet dory fish with baby tomatoes, potatoes with chives, tender lamb... u get the idea. then we headed out and proceeded to eat the free food with every ounce of enjoyment. for entertainment, we watched the fighter jets display in the sky, followed by a stately display of the Airbus A380. it was heaven... and all the more delicious for being exclusive just for us. the only gripe i have is that the place was mostly reserved for pilots from malaysia and there weren't any cute ones.. darn. a group of SIA angmoh pilots actually got shown out, told that their lunch was not today. at that time we already finished eating and we just looked at each other and shrugged. then we went to get dessert and ohhh... it was orgasmic. there was this dark chocolate cup filled with luscious custard cream topped by tropical berries.. i took one teensy bite and grinned in delight. we polished off a whole plate of desserts, grabbed a couple more glasses fresh orange juice, and made our way out, bloated and happy.

all in all it was a good trip for the free food and the airshow... oh, i forgot about this. when we first took a cab to the place from changi airport, for some reason N apologized for us not knowing our way around cos we're visitors from KL. after a silent bout of laughing, i played along and we spent the whole cab ride making snide remarks in malay about singapore and how much better it is in malaysia.. cheaper cigs, less fines, that kind of thing. at the end of the ride the driver chipped in saying we cannot suka-suka(anyhow) do things in SG because it's known as the fine city.. we ohhed and ahhed him and got off the cab grinning at our own joke.

what a great day.. now im sitting wasting time in office waiting for a decent time to leave.. no editing slot today but i came in close to three so for decency's sake i'll leave maybe at 7... lols.

it's days like these that perk up and cheer me up, putting back the missing smile on my face... ladidadida... =)

Monday, February 20, 2006

i haven't had a weekend off in 2 weeks

and maybe more, cos i can't remember beyond that.

i think it is more.

seeing that this is my.. *countcountcount* .. 10th week working here. And of the ten weekends, i've only ever had TWO weekends with two days off. All the other weekends I've been back to work, whether shooting events or rushing trailers.

i like the work but im getting a wee bit tired.

wtf? im fr3akin exhausted!!

sighz. it's all in the mind, rite? well if whini9 helps keep me sane, gimme a break will ya.

im just saying that working day and night fourteen days in a row is pushing me over.. make that 21 days in a row if i don't get this sat/sun off.

help!!

on the bright side... my mgr gave us tix to go see the aerospace show this week!!! and she spoke to our boss to give us a half day off to catch the show this thurs!!!! yay!!!!! gimme a reason to live and i'll gladly give up having a life... heh.

okie, back to watching DIA (yess!! ratings beat desperate housewives!!!) while i decide if 12 hours of work a day is good enough.. im on mornin shit tmr darn it, else i dun mind stayin later.

aerospace, here we come!!!! =)

Friday, February 03, 2006

insomnia arouses poetic soul

Crescent moon hangs low in sky
Muted, it stares at a star
Longing to touch,
Never to reach.

Infinity spears space and time,
Meaning nothing,
but signifying
Much.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Fish

familiar faces i see everyday
blur into a mass of warmth
i seek a white hot point of passion-sorrow
put my finger on it, hesitate
think, take it off.

i sit and stare and try to feel
what it is like to be normal
to be uncomplicated simple
to think what i say
do what i feel
see what i touch
fly where i walk

i grasp with yearning fingers
love slipping, shying, beckoning lying
i take without asking, give without taking
no expression

drowning in the same old pool of shards
pieces of my old broken heart
rippling, joining
back into a seamless reflecting mirror
untold depths of a still pond
lurking terrors and undone miseries

bottom up, swim small weaving fishes of hope.
looking at the far sun, grateful for its warmth
taking what mere chances they get
to live
to love
to hope
above.

i sigh and put on my shoes
turning, i walk away
from the splashing golden fish in the pond
i'm going to the neverending sea
to try my luck there instead.

le grand voyage

i have to talk about the show i saw this week. after lunch with a shrunk TTG on tues, celebrating someone's birthday in-absentee, i went to catch Le Grand Voyage with N. we decided to catch the later show to get better seats. we still came in late cos we had dinner n did some shopping. when we came, our seats were occupied & N did the macho act.. called in the usher to boot them out.

settled in, we carried on to watch the show. it's all about a father who wants to make the haj to mecca but insists on going by car instead of plane. he equated the amount of effort made getting there to the sincerity and enormity of the spirit of his pilgrimage. roped in to drive his dad several continents, the non-muslim son suffers bad luck upon bad luck, all the while struggling with his relationship with his dad.

it was really a simple, touching show. sweet n funny at times, revelatory at others. but the mood throughout the entire show was light, so much that the hour long journey(literally) in the car that they made, wasn't monotonous at all. in the end they did reach mecca against stacked odds and the dad made his haj.

but the real shocker came at the ending. in the interest of not giving any spoilers, i won't reveal the ending. but it just so caught me totally by surprise, i just broke down and sobbed. i couldn't believe that something of such a great significance and maginitude could happen out of nowhere, no rhyme or reason. it was so much like real life, it just smacked me in the face. all of a sudden, in that split second of revelation, i relived similar experiences in my life, particularly that of my late grandmother. i couldn't help it, i cried like a child.. sampai tersedu sedan seh. basah lagi baju si N. (now where did that malay come from?)

anyway. unfortunately my crying bout sort of downed our outing and we made our seperate ways home soon after. but i was still feeling restless and lost so i called my pri skool fren out and we stayed under her block chatting til 3plus. i staggered home n to bed at four and was up by 9 to work.. late again.

today, we all packed up and left after 10pm, yet my work is not finished and i have to be in by 9 am tmr to rush it. i am tired yet i am not sleeping. my eyes are heavy and so is my mind and heart.

"You just think too much.. just don't!"
"I can't help it, i'm a thinker..!"
"That's not a thinker, that's a psycho!!"

-the most priceless thing my friend said to me last night-

hai.. pening kepala aku. da la. tido lagi bagus.

tata titi tutut~

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